End of Andy Frain 2 Weeks Employment

Today signifies the end of the women's U.S. Open, but yesterday marked the end of my work assignments with Andy Frain Services. Already the depression is setting in as the reality of not having a steady job is slowly creeping in again. I look around at my life and see many things I have accomplished. The fact that I am a father of two beautiful boys; husband to one amazing wife; graduate of a historical black university; driving my favorite car, a 2010 Chevrolet Camaro; 15 year Air Force veteran. But it all means nothing to me right now because I can't find employment. No one seems to want me in the work force other than as a peasant working for peanuts. I'm depressed because I want to dress feminine and engage myself as a woman. I'm depressed because my wife and I are about to lose everything. I'm depressed because I want to be a professional poker player but find myself saddled with two kids and no way of achieving any of my dreams. Oh, sure, I could leave them behind and trek out on my own and put all of my wants and desires ahead of my responsibilities as their father. But, my gut tells me I would not be happy without these wonderful kids or my wonderful wife. Instead, I keep trying to find a way and I keep coming up empty. I talk to God everyday and find no answers in Him, either. It's as if I have screwed up somewhere royally in my life and I am paying a long sentence now that I left the military three years ago without retiring. I feel like my soul is dying every day. I feel the will of survival leaving me. I feel like soon it will all end...one way or another. When the money runs out and I can no longer provide for my family, where do I go? How can I go on knowing that I am a failure to them. Not so much in their eyes, but in mine. It eats at my soul. I can see why men commit suicide when they are on the verge of losing everything. The thought has crossed my mind. My will to live is stronger right now but not by much. I think about it constantly it seems. But, why am I writing this? It's not like anyone cares anyway.