My Own Little Version of Hell

I think the hardest thing I am dealing with right now is the fact I am without a steady job. Although I remain excited about the temporary position I was able to snag, I am depressed that I can't get any returns on resumes and applications already accomplished. The fact is I want to do something that will stimulate my mind and energize my soul. My soul is craving to be fed through work that will allow me to be who I am: a man who craves the need to delve into feminine illusion. Without work and a career in place to bring in financial support, the other part of me suffers greatly and further binds me into the feelings of emptiness and fraught with feelings of depression. But how serious am I about wanting to live as a woman? I'm not very sure. There are days where I am all about shaving my legs, making my face up all pretty, dabbing perfumed scents onto my body and dressing like a sexy woman. I feel like running down to the local VA Hospital or Planned Parenthood facilities and enroll in therapy and HRT (hormone replacement therapy). Then there are days like last night where I went and visited a transgendered friend and had a flood of confused emotions coursing through every vein of my being. I was not sexually aroused though there was a fleeting moment where electricity was sparked as she helped me understand my wig and dressing for my body type. She said I have the body that would be more suited for long skirts and tops. I want my body to be more curvy and thinner and be able to wear figure hugging skinny jeans and sexy club wear. I starve myself in the morning only to regret it later in the day when I gorge myself on every unhealthy snack there is...like chips and ice cream. Soda is my weakness. I crave Mountain Dew like a sprinter craves air and water at the end of a 400-yard dash. I managed to only sip one last night but had a beer to make that all for naught. Then there is the problem of me wanting to be with a man as a woman and then not being into it once I get close to making it a reality. It's sickening how the mind is so powerful and denies one their sexual impulses and desires. It's like being excited to go to a movie with rave reviews only to be firmly disappointed at the end. I could go to the VAH and undergo therapy but the process of getting appointments in a timely fashion is just impossible. Going months between appointments only allows life to get in the way. Life is firmly in the way and I am absolutely clueless on how to eradicate the power it has on my happiness.