Lately...

Life has gotten better...and worse...is that possible? I managed to get hired at a retail store for a very entry-level wage. The sad part is that I am busting my tail to at least get favorable reviews if things fall apart and I have to leave the job as a result of losing everything. I have showed up when not expected and taken a shift...I have taken two shifts when called and asked to help get things done around the store. I don't mind the job as it's very busy and works just about every muscle in your body. From overhead lifts to squats....to pushing tubs to the floor and working calves....to picking up huge and heavy boxes and working my biceps...the job is giving me the physical challenge. It can be mentally stimulating as you code in products for system purposes. You have to know what you're doing though anyone could actually do the job. It's the nuances that makes the job mentally stimulating...like making sure one product of at least 2 have a bar code facing out for easy scanning to see if the computer wants you to push it out to the floor. The people seem to be great. The problem is that it won't be enough to keep my family from splitting up. My wife and kids are planning to head north while I don't know what I'm going to do, yet. It's like stumbling through a dark hallway that you've never been down before and you keep bumping into things but the end of the hallway gets further away. Like you're on a treadmill in a dark hallway and you're bumping into things...it's not possible but I think it does a good job of telling how I feel. The good news is that I am working and, for a little part of the day, I escape the sadness of the impossibility of being successful. The bad news is when I come home and realize I'm about to be homeless, my car is on the way to being taken away, and the kids and wife are leaving for support that I am unable to give them. Hooray for work....boo that it still won't stop the inevitable fall. But at least I can work my tail off until that day comes. It's all I have left.

End of Andy Frain 2 Weeks Employment

Today signifies the end of the women's U.S. Open, but yesterday marked the end of my work assignments with Andy Frain Services. Already the depression is setting in as the reality of not having a steady job is slowly creeping in again. I look around at my life and see many things I have accomplished. The fact that I am a father of two beautiful boys; husband to one amazing wife; graduate of a historical black university; driving my favorite car, a 2010 Chevrolet Camaro; 15 year Air Force veteran. But it all means nothing to me right now because I can't find employment. No one seems to want me in the work force other than as a peasant working for peanuts. I'm depressed because I want to dress feminine and engage myself as a woman. I'm depressed because my wife and I are about to lose everything. I'm depressed because I want to be a professional poker player but find myself saddled with two kids and no way of achieving any of my dreams. Oh, sure, I could leave them behind and trek out on my own and put all of my wants and desires ahead of my responsibilities as their father. But, my gut tells me I would not be happy without these wonderful kids or my wonderful wife. Instead, I keep trying to find a way and I keep coming up empty. I talk to God everyday and find no answers in Him, either. It's as if I have screwed up somewhere royally in my life and I am paying a long sentence now that I left the military three years ago without retiring. I feel like my soul is dying every day. I feel the will of survival leaving me. I feel like soon it will all end...one way or another. When the money runs out and I can no longer provide for my family, where do I go? How can I go on knowing that I am a failure to them. Not so much in their eyes, but in mine. It eats at my soul. I can see why men commit suicide when they are on the verge of losing everything. The thought has crossed my mind. My will to live is stronger right now but not by much. I think about it constantly it seems. But, why am I writing this? It's not like anyone cares anyway.

My Own Little Version of Hell

I think the hardest thing I am dealing with right now is the fact I am without a steady job. Although I remain excited about the temporary position I was able to snag, I am depressed that I can't get any returns on resumes and applications already accomplished. The fact is I want to do something that will stimulate my mind and energize my soul. My soul is craving to be fed through work that will allow me to be who I am: a man who craves the need to delve into feminine illusion. Without work and a career in place to bring in financial support, the other part of me suffers greatly and further binds me into the feelings of emptiness and fraught with feelings of depression. But how serious am I about wanting to live as a woman? I'm not very sure. There are days where I am all about shaving my legs, making my face up all pretty, dabbing perfumed scents onto my body and dressing like a sexy woman. I feel like running down to the local VA Hospital or Planned Parenthood facilities and enroll in therapy and HRT (hormone replacement therapy). Then there are days like last night where I went and visited a transgendered friend and had a flood of confused emotions coursing through every vein of my being. I was not sexually aroused though there was a fleeting moment where electricity was sparked as she helped me understand my wig and dressing for my body type. She said I have the body that would be more suited for long skirts and tops. I want my body to be more curvy and thinner and be able to wear figure hugging skinny jeans and sexy club wear. I starve myself in the morning only to regret it later in the day when I gorge myself on every unhealthy snack there is...like chips and ice cream. Soda is my weakness. I crave Mountain Dew like a sprinter craves air and water at the end of a 400-yard dash. I managed to only sip one last night but had a beer to make that all for naught. Then there is the problem of me wanting to be with a man as a woman and then not being into it once I get close to making it a reality. It's sickening how the mind is so powerful and denies one their sexual impulses and desires. It's like being excited to go to a movie with rave reviews only to be firmly disappointed at the end. I could go to the VAH and undergo therapy but the process of getting appointments in a timely fashion is just impossible. Going months between appointments only allows life to get in the way. Life is firmly in the way and I am absolutely clueless on how to eradicate the power it has on my happiness.

Marvel Avengers Alliance: A Cautionary Tale of Corporate Criminality

Not everything in my life is great at the moment. Although I'm excited about working for the first time in three years, I am heavy-hearted. My favorite hobby while going through school these past couple of years had been playing Marvel Avengers Alliance on Facebook. Well, I have been banned from playing any game under the Playdom umbrella because I finally had tired of the company not responding to complaints or calls for better and fair play. They literally do not care for their customers and find it impossible to check their email to address customer complaints with their product. It led me to try and get their attention through more adversarial ways which led them to finally respond by suspending my account for one only knows for how long. They didn't bother saying if it was a lifetime suspension, or a month-long suspension or anything similar. They just up and decided to give me the death penalty without any other intermediate course of action. They did refund $285 that I had poured into the game but that was a far cry from the 1200 USD I had invested in the game. Not to mention all the time and effort put into playing their game day in and day out. They literally took my money and ran away from the issues that I was trying to enlighten them on. I didn't use the most sound methods of enlightenment but, as I said, the company refused to check their email until I decided to test them with a more demented but calculated approach. I told them I was suicidal and cursed them up and down. They finally responded. It was like it took that approach to get any response from them whatsoever. Their response was thunderous and callous considering the ignorance they took toward me as a customer through previous emails. Even after they took the death penalty route, I tried to apologize numerous times with all of those emails either given the status quo answer or being ignored altogether. It proves the point that they don't care about the customer and only decide to get involved when there is serious language involved. At that point, they just decided to cut the cord. Gone was nearly two years of effort and time put into the game. Gone was $1000. Gone was other games where I hadn't made a complaint under those applications. There was no warning. There was no effective dialogue. It was just an email saying they were revoking my profiled games and that they would refund the last 30 days. Seriously? I expect greater effort from this kind of company to keep their players satisfied. But instead they just refuse to communicate. It's typical behavior of companies and corporations whose only concern is the money coming in...not the consumer's happiness with the product.

The US Open and Graciousness

It's not often that one is ecstatic about finding temporary work, but I was more than excited that I had been given a chance to work this year at the US Open. The one I am talking about is the USGA event which will feature both the men and women competing at Old #2 at Pinehurst. This so happens to be the first time one location has been selected to host both championships. It's also my first employment since earning my Bachelor's Degree in Criminal Justice from Fayetteville State University. Before being given the opportunity I had tried unsuccessfully to find jobs that would be more permanent in nature. This opportunity comes from Andy Frain Services, a company that has been providing security for sports and entertainment since 1924 at Wrigley Field. No matter what happens or comes out of working for them, I look at this opportunity as a gateway to better things and feel gracious that they hired me to work one week (pending other scenarios).